October 2, 2007 9:20 AM

Free Speech Ain't Free. Oh, Wait a Minute. Yeah, It Is.

After all the brouhaha in New York this week, this
seems like a good time to have us a little chat about
free speech. Not restricted free speech. Not partial
free speech. Not pseudo- semi- counterfeit- limited-
free speech. Not free speech on Wednesdays between two
and three pm EDT. Not free speech zones and not free
speech reserved for the people we like and kept from
the ones we don't. No, my friends, I'm talking about
your total, unfettered, full throated, in your face,
front row death metal rock concert, spitting in the
wind, 24/ 7, every square inch of your big white furry
butt, gushing like runoff from a rain gutter off a
cantilevered roof during a Force Five hurricane in the
tropics free speech.

There's no whining about who gets to speak at what
college. We�re supposed to be setting an example.
Doesn't matter out of which holes the free speech is
coming from. The mouths of an opposition politico or
the biggest little two bit dictator in the world or
the personification of Lucifer himself replete with
red horns and forked tail and cloven hooves. But let�s
leave the Vice President out of this one.

Everybody gets to say their piece. That's the deal.
Even if half the world considers that "piece" total
BS. Face it, half of what WE believe usually turns out
to be total BS. Beliefs have this nagging tendency to
mutate over time. It wasn't long ago they burned
people as witches for not thinking the world was flat.
Wasn't it Cardinal Richelieu who said treason is just
a matter of dates?

The same way it is better to let 100 guilty people go
free rather than convict one innocent person, its
better we let 100 cretinous, fool, toad, buttwipes
reveal themselves as boneheads, just so a safe
platform for the idealistic visionary is guaranteed.
Given enough rope, idiots are notoriously susceptible
to hanging themselves from the noose of their own
ridiculousness.

And yes, Mr Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I'm
talking about you. Admittedly, you got a lousy intro
at Colombia University, but when you agree to a Q & A,
the general routine is to answer the questions you get
asked. And yeah, okay, the crowd laughed at you and
no, you can't execute them like the gays you say your
country doesn't have. Our crowds enjoy free speech
too. Democracy is a bitch isn't it? And next time, for
crum's sake, wear a tie.

If free speech isn't what this country is all about,
what the hell are we fighting for? Free speech ain't
free. Oh wait a minute. Yeah, it is. As we witnessed
at the UN when both Presidents Bush and Ahmadinejad
got to exercise their rights on the same day. Think of
it: on one hand you got a religious fanatic who
sponsors secret prisons and has antagonized the entire
world and on the other hand you got an Iranian. And
you know why I get to say that? That's right. I think
you�re finally getting the hang of it.

Former beer smuggler Will Durst thinks confidential
free speech sucks too.

Catch Durst performing his solo show �The All-
American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,� Off Broadway at
the New World Stages (340 West 50th Street, NY 10019)
now extended through the end of October. 1 800
telecharge or Telecharge.com for tickets.
willdurst.com for more info.